The new healthcare plan

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare^TM:

-- Under CompromiseCare^TM, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.

-- Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.

-- You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.

-- States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.

-- You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.

-- You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.

-- A patient will be considered "pre-existing" if he or she already exists.

-- You'll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.

-- Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is "Lieberman."

-- You will have access to natural remedies, such as death.